Love Letter

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Have you ever just thought about someone almost every day? Dreamed of their hugs and woke up with their scent? Smiled uncontrollably every time you heard the voice or saw the face? Butterflies fluttered in your stomach so much, that you swear everyone around you can hear it rumble. Heart at a stand still when you are in their presence. Your words become foreign. Your spirit, your soul just aligned and you know for sure that this is the person you have been waiting for, through all the hurt and pain he’s finally here. My friend that is LOVE. Or is it?

Infatuation: foolish or all-absorbing passion or an instance of this: a mere infatuation that will not last.

That’s me. Foolish. As I go on, you will soon agree……I have been in love (or infatuated) with this guy for years. Maybe long before he even knew I was here. But who he is now, is who I have been waiting for. He’s exactly the guy I have always dreamed. It’s funny because from head to toe I’ve designed my perfect Soulmate. Handsome, smart, strong, ethical, integrity, knows who he is, manly, sort of funny, caring, loving, egoistical. I can go on. I should have had some fairy dust to sprinkle on him to make his heart love mine in an instant. See definition above, “a mere infatuation that will not last.”

Funny number two…he doesn’t know what I feel or he does and he’s sparing my feelings because he doesn’t feel the same. Doesn’t matter, I have become faithful, dedicated and committed to a man who doesn’t even want to hold a real conversation with me. See. Foolish. Believe me. There is so much more. I will continue.

I write because I was told it would be good therapy. Not a real Therapist, but suggestions that are given to me by friends so I can move on. Another suggestion, “Start dating. Just date and date and date. Eventually, someone else will catch your heart.” Okay. Now that advice or suggestion was given to me about a year ago. Nope. I haven’t been on a date. Almost. But, no date. A few months ago, an old boyfriend asked me out…twice…and stood me up..twice. Here’s the foolish part, I tend to believe (even though others will disagree) it happened for a reason. That  reason is, I did not go on the date with him because my aligned spirit and soul were listening to my Soulmate’s aligned spirit and soul and he wants me to wait. So, the universe will not allow it to happened. Yeah…I’m all the way there. Should I say the “F” word again?

I have a few projects going on, my business is starting to pickup and still working a full-time job. I have a good friend who works for an airline and will let me be on fly list, so I will be able to fly to events needing my attention for my business. With all that is going on, I find myself wanting to share the goodness that has come my way. I can share this with my friends, but as I told them, “It’s not like at the end of the night I can take you home and really celebrate.” You will never know how hard it is for me to not call my Soulmate with the excitement I have encountered. And lately, I have really felt the need of a companion if not a someone to call my own, just someone to do stuff with. I think lonely is the word. One of my girlfriends told me she prayed for the man she is with now. She literally got on her knees and prayed and cried for someone to come into her life. Enters him. A good him. I’m happy for her. But, I want to be happy too. Her way is not my way. I just need to find what that way is, and get my Soulmate off my heart and mind.

Driving home the other day from work, I thought about my situation. Someone once told me, “You can not answer a question for someone else. Give them the opportunity to say yes or no.” But, you know what, I can’t bring myself to let my Soulmate know what I feel. But if I had the guts. This is what I would say to him.

Let me be the one to love you and take care of you. Let me be the one who sits at your knees so you can feed me life. Let me be one stand behind you and be that anchor when you need it. Let me be the one to hold you are feeling alone. Let me be the beat that your heart will miss. Let me be the one. Just the one.

I will never say these words, unless the opportunity presents its self, until then…that would be my LOVE Letter. IJS

LOVE…Unrealistic

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I’m sitting here…working and watching a movie. The movie? The Perfect Match. I don’t know why I do this to myself. I know if I watch these types of movies, I fall victim to the feeling thereof. Being single sometimes have its ups, but there are times when you have those downs. Right now….it’s down.

I’m not in a relationship, but when I was I have always felt that the love was unrealistic. Maybe because at the time I really didn’t love myself. I didn’t know how to love myself. So, I was searching for something that was never really there. And time after time, I would fall victim to the same type of person.

The User: The one who comes around when I am only able to give something. Be it money or sex.

The Taker: Yes, there is a difference. The Taker only takes and NEVER give anything in return. He always has an excuse on why he can’t get you a birthday present, or take you out for dinner. At least the User knows he has to give up something every now and then to continue to get what he wants.

The Non-Commitment: Wants everything, will give more…just not himself to you. But the strange part is the Non-Commitment has a jealousy streak and don’t want you to be with anyone. So he blocks any and all prospects that come along. Until he decides that he will move on. Without you.

There are other types. Believe me….so much more. These are the types I have run into. But in the end, it all boils down, to not loving yourself and accepting these types. I haven’t been in a relationship for nearly ten years. WoW!. Just the thought. That’s a long time. And let me tell you, I love being in a relationship. I love taking care of someone. It’s just my nature. A lot of people have the assumption that the reason I am not in a relationship is because of religious reasons. So far from the truth. I am not a religious person. The reason I’m not is because I started to love myself. One of the steps to loving you….let go of bad habits that inhibit you from growth. Dating the wrong type of man was mine.

But, I sit and watch these “Unrealistic” love movies and it touches my heart every time. I want a love who loves me and only me. Who will fight for me….Who will not give up as soon as trouble comes along….A Love that looks me in the eyes as if he just met me….A Love that takes me by the hand and walks with me….A Love who sits me besides his knee and rubs my head and feeds me. But….again….”Unrealistic”. It only happens in movies. At least not in my life.

I have decided to really start dating. (As soon as someone asks.) My friends say that I need to be more open. Okay. I will. I now LOVE me, so what I accepted before, I can’t now. So, maybe, this time, will be different.

Stay Tune…….I’m Just Sayin.

“All you need is love.” John Lennon