What Am I Waiting For?

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Talking with a friend the other day, and he asked a question I really haven’t given much thought to lately or not at all. But over the last couple of days, I had to seriously ask myself the question.

What am I waiting for?

Here’s what I know.

When you give up something, even if it is temporary, most of the time you do so for growth…for the betterment of you. I had given up something…to find me. At the time, I found that my past was colliding with the present, which made my future look pretty sad. I was on a spiral staircase going down, with no sight of a base, and I  knew I had to make changes to my life.

Now, my one change was not meant to be permanent but it appears…as of the present…it’s heading that way. What am I waiting for? I made the changes to my life and there are no complaints. I am solid. I know me. I am still learning…but at this point in my life, I know I am good.

#eyeswideopen #cantgoback #livingmydream

What am I waiting for?

When my friend asked the question, we were in the process if departing ways. Now I wish…I had stayed and really dove into “What am I waiting for?”. But…I think this is a question that I have to answer for myself….and this is what I know and have learned about me.

I can be open to pretty much anything…I just don’t like deceit, lies, betrayal and confrontation. Say how you feel upfront and move on from there.

I’m not fine crystal so speaking the truth, no matter how hard it is, will not break me. I have learned that not saying the truth will destroy a person more than save a person.

Don’t tell me you support me and there’s no proof from your actions. You can say all day that you support whatever I am doing, but just know that your actions are what is seen, not words.

Give me a choice, instead of making a choice for me. Because I now know me…I can make a decision that can fit me…even if it is on a temporary basis.

So, I guess I’m waiting for truth, honesty and support. I guess I am waiting for the someone to say, “Hey, let’s just have fun”. I’m waiting for someone to just be honest and say what it is, instead of pouring on lies. I posted a meme on IG and it said, ” I want someone who I can vibe with sexually, mentally and spiritually.” So, I am waiting for someone to feed me in more ways than just one. When you learn yourself, your appetite becomes a more tasteful and your discovered you, will not settle for less.

What am I waiting for?

I am waiting for someone to see it my way.

#willnotsettle

Always LOVE

 

 

Going Out…Coming In

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As each year begins…I start with goals. Not resolutions…but goals. Resolutions tend to be broken. Sometimes not taken seriously. It tends to be what others are doing. You can start them but the majority of the time, not finish them. Goals, on the other hand, keeps you focus on a plan that can help with your growth. Not a part of the masses, but personal. They are written, maintained and adjusted accordingly as growth is obtained.

2016.

I made goals to get back into acting, to have my online magazine in print, to travel more, to read more, to learn more about my heritage, and letting go of a ghost love and being open to the possibilities of love. I must say, through all the trials and tribulations I went through. I actually completed a lot of what I wanted to do, adjusting the plan as I moved along and clearly missing the mark at times.
The beginning of 2016 started well with my first award for my magazine, a possible reality show and more growth for my radio show. By the time April came and after my yearly trip to New York, things seemed to not be was told to me, and even though I sought out advice, who warned me to walk away, I still tried to make it right and it almost destroyed me. The devastation of lies and deceit brought me to my knees. I am a very private person, and try to keep things to myself. I learned through the years that everyone does not have my best interest at heart. So, I keep my personal life very private and only seek out advice from those who I really trust. What I put on social media is only what I want anyone to know. But, this time around, I was very happy to have the very few friends I do have, around me to help me through that very difficult time.
But…I have been through the worst. Molested, raped, homeless. I can get through this. And I did. One thing for sure. Once you stop feeling sorry for yourself, you and only you can pull yourself from the curb and back onto the sidewalk. Walking the opposite way of the masses, of course, because I am still different and have my own mind. I was down for a bit but I am back up and back to the grind.
Let’s see…I went o Dallas and reviewed my first play, and they are still asking me to come back. I have more content to the magazine, which now includes two websites, attended more events that got the magazine notice more and printed the first issue in December, which was such a big hit. I started reading more about African History, which has really open my eyes to a lot of what is going on today. The radio was doing well and then people started falling off, I had to cancel until February 2017, but to my surprise fans sending emails and inboxes wanting it back on and saying how much they enjoyed the show. Finally, cast in a play that will premiere in February. I did finally make the decision to let go of the ghost love. I had to…I was comparing anyone I meet to this person and it wasn’t fair to the prospects or to me. I still dream of him and will definitely he will always be in my heart. (It’s always that one, right?) But, I am ready to date and eventually have a relationship and get married, and have someone to share all the wonderful things that will happen with me.
2017.
My goals are to:
Increase the magazine readership.
Host and attend more events.
Learn more about my history.
Bring the radio show back and discuss issues that affect the Black Community.
When I travel, make time to interview Black Owned Businesses.
Be open to dating.
Pretty much same goals as last year. But, with a little more substance. Staying on track will be key. And remembering if I want it…it’s not going to come easy. There will be some hard times and road blocks. All I have to do is remember…Relax…Think it out…and I will get around it and over it. Just don’t give up.
Happy New Year!
Always LOVE

 

Support

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You never know, where you can get a lesson from, at any time or place…..

I was speaking with a Brother today, and listening on Facebook to another Brother, and they both gave me some lessons in OUR history that just totally had me wanting to know more. Now…I have a very few (very few) select that I follow and learn from as well. But it is totally different when you sit and listen to words as one speaks of OUR history, of our communities, of US.

I am like a sponge, soaking in all that I am learning.

I am like an infant, taking that first step and amazed at all that is new on my journey as I move forward.

We have some Brothers out there that’s really for US. They want to see US get better and OUR communities to be more than..not of how others see US, but how WE see ourselves.

We need to stand up and stand behind these individuals. NO. They don’t play ball, act in movies, head up big churches. They are the men who have realized that by not standing up, OUR next generation doesn’t have a chance. These men need us to stand behind them and be the support they need to fight this system for US. They will protect US. They just need to know that WE are there. That WE stand with them. That we support them.

I write and post a lot about LOVE, but I also post and share about the well being of OUR community. If you follow me. If you know me. Then you know that I always say, “Let’s Support Our Own”, and mean that from the bottom of my heart. And try to show it every chance I get. Now even though I post a lot about LOVE, that’s just a part of me that will always be there, and no, I don’t need approvement from anyone. I approve myself. I have accepted my fate when it comes to being loved or not. But, what I can not and will not accept…is the future of my next generation. My grandchildren. My great-grandchildren.

Work must be done, and I support those who are out there on the behalf of me and the generations to come. I have said this before and will say it again. “We are fighting two wars. Them against us and us against us. If you can’t be a part of the solution, then step aside and let the ones who are trying do what they need to do, so YOU can live in a world that is truly FREE.”

Learn your history. It’s there.

Always LOVE

#eyesopened #stand #support

//load.sumome.com/

Love’s Ownership

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I did it to myself.
No help from you.
But unknowingly you did.
By being you.
I fell.
I see your strength.
I see your weakness.
I smell your scent.
I feel your touch.
I fell.
You keep me straight.
You keep me honest.
You keep me prepared.
I care what you think.
I did it to myself.
No help from you.
But unknowingly you did.
By being you.
I fell.
Faithful to you.
No need to be.
You and I will never be.
Dreams tell me to hold on.
Then I will be able to breathe.
Knowing you will be by my side.
I fell.
Love your eyes.
Love your smile.
Love your mind.
Love your soul.
Just wish I could peek at your heart.
I did it to myself.
No help from you.
But unknowingly you did.
By being you.
I fell in LOVE.

Right There

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Why are you in my dreams? Why are you there? I already know that it will never be. But you keep showing up….giving hope….giving encouragement….giving me love. You are there. In my dreams. Smiling. Being you. As you are in life. And I take you just as you are. You are there…not letting me go another way. You keep me on a good path. You keep me honest. You keep me…Why are you there?

I guess the real question is….Why can’t I let go? But then it’s goes back to…dreams. You are there. Not letting me move on. I know should. I know have to. Just when I say I am. I am moving on. You come back. I feel your touch. I smell your scent. You grab my heart. Why are you there?

I wish I can blame this on encouragement from you. And maybe I can. You may never say a word. But, I know you see me. I know you watch me. Am I in your dreams? Am I there? Sometimes, when I’m around you…your eyes say, “Yes”…I am there. Right there. But, then the moment passes and neither one says a word. I smile. You smile. I know I am there.

I know. Move on. But you are there. Right there. Inside. You have made a home right there in my heart. The only way to move on is to say the words. To hear the words. Then…I can move on. Move on to the realization that you are just like my dreams. Or…..move on and let you take a small residence in my heart in remembrance of you.

Either way….You will forever be there. Right there.love-will-come-kevin-wak-williams

Always LOVE

Love Letter

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Have you ever just thought about someone almost every day? Dreamed of their hugs and woke up with their scent? Smiled uncontrollably every time you heard the voice or saw the face? Butterflies fluttered in your stomach so much, that you swear everyone around you can hear it rumble. Heart at a stand still when you are in their presence. Your words become foreign. Your spirit, your soul just aligned and you know for sure that this is the person you have been waiting for, through all the hurt and pain he’s finally here. My friend that is LOVE. Or is it?

Infatuation: foolish or all-absorbing passion or an instance of this: a mere infatuation that will not last.

That’s me. Foolish. As I go on, you will soon agree……I have been in love (or infatuated) with this guy for years. Maybe long before he even knew I was here. But who he is now, is who I have been waiting for. He’s exactly the guy I have always dreamed. It’s funny because from head to toe I’ve designed my perfect Soulmate. Handsome, smart, strong, ethical, integrity, knows who he is, manly, sort of funny, caring, loving, egoistical. I can go on. I should have had some fairy dust to sprinkle on him to make his heart love mine in an instant. See definition above, “a mere infatuation that will not last.”

Funny number two…he doesn’t know what I feel or he does and he’s sparing my feelings because he doesn’t feel the same. Doesn’t matter, I have become faithful, dedicated and committed to a man who doesn’t even want to hold a real conversation with me. See. Foolish. Believe me. There is so much more. I will continue.

I write because I was told it would be good therapy. Not a real Therapist, but suggestions that are given to me by friends so I can move on. Another suggestion, “Start dating. Just date and date and date. Eventually, someone else will catch your heart.” Okay. Now that advice or suggestion was given to me about a year ago. Nope. I haven’t been on a date. Almost. But, no date. A few months ago, an old boyfriend asked me out…twice…and stood me up..twice. Here’s the foolish part, I tend to believe (even though others will disagree) it happened for a reason. That  reason is, I did not go on the date with him because my aligned spirit and soul were listening to my Soulmate’s aligned spirit and soul and he wants me to wait. So, the universe will not allow it to happened. Yeah…I’m all the way there. Should I say the “F” word again?

I have a few projects going on, my business is starting to pickup and still working a full-time job. I have a good friend who works for an airline and will let me be on fly list, so I will be able to fly to events needing my attention for my business. With all that is going on, I find myself wanting to share the goodness that has come my way. I can share this with my friends, but as I told them, “It’s not like at the end of the night I can take you home and really celebrate.” You will never know how hard it is for me to not call my Soulmate with the excitement I have encountered. And lately, I have really felt the need of a companion if not a someone to call my own, just someone to do stuff with. I think lonely is the word. One of my girlfriends told me she prayed for the man she is with now. She literally got on her knees and prayed and cried for someone to come into her life. Enters him. A good him. I’m happy for her. But, I want to be happy too. Her way is not my way. I just need to find what that way is, and get my Soulmate off my heart and mind.

Driving home the other day from work, I thought about my situation. Someone once told me, “You can not answer a question for someone else. Give them the opportunity to say yes or no.” But, you know what, I can’t bring myself to let my Soulmate know what I feel. But if I had the guts. This is what I would say to him.

Let me be the one to love you and take care of you. Let me be the one who sits at your knees so you can feed me life. Let me be one stand behind you and be that anchor when you need it. Let me be the one to hold you are feeling alone. Let me be the beat that your heart will miss. Let me be the one. Just the one.

I will never say these words, unless the opportunity presents its self, until then…that would be my LOVE Letter. IJS

LOVE…Unrealistic

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I’m sitting here…working and watching a movie. The movie? The Perfect Match. I don’t know why I do this to myself. I know if I watch these types of movies, I fall victim to the feeling thereof. Being single sometimes have its ups, but there are times when you have those downs. Right now….it’s down.

I’m not in a relationship, but when I was I have always felt that the love was unrealistic. Maybe because at the time I really didn’t love myself. I didn’t know how to love myself. So, I was searching for something that was never really there. And time after time, I would fall victim to the same type of person.

The User: The one who comes around when I am only able to give something. Be it money or sex.

The Taker: Yes, there is a difference. The Taker only takes and NEVER give anything in return. He always has an excuse on why he can’t get you a birthday present, or take you out for dinner. At least the User knows he has to give up something every now and then to continue to get what he wants.

The Non-Commitment: Wants everything, will give more…just not himself to you. But the strange part is the Non-Commitment has a jealousy streak and don’t want you to be with anyone. So he blocks any and all prospects that come along. Until he decides that he will move on. Without you.

There are other types. Believe me….so much more. These are the types I have run into. But in the end, it all boils down, to not loving yourself and accepting these types. I haven’t been in a relationship for nearly ten years. WoW!. Just the thought. That’s a long time. And let me tell you, I love being in a relationship. I love taking care of someone. It’s just my nature. A lot of people have the assumption that the reason I am not in a relationship is because of religious reasons. So far from the truth. I am not a religious person. The reason I’m not is because I started to love myself. One of the steps to loving you….let go of bad habits that inhibit you from growth. Dating the wrong type of man was mine.

But, I sit and watch these “Unrealistic” love movies and it touches my heart every time. I want a love who loves me and only me. Who will fight for me….Who will not give up as soon as trouble comes along….A Love that looks me in the eyes as if he just met me….A Love that takes me by the hand and walks with me….A Love who sits me besides his knee and rubs my head and feeds me. But….again….”Unrealistic”. It only happens in movies. At least not in my life.

I have decided to really start dating. (As soon as someone asks.) My friends say that I need to be more open. Okay. I will. I now LOVE me, so what I accepted before, I can’t now. So, maybe, this time, will be different.

Stay Tune…….I’m Just Sayin.

“All you need is love.” John Lennon